Not Your Average Epic Romance
by bsloths
Summary: But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the East, and Emily is the sun. Oneshot. Shemily.


I was talking to unoriginal_elizabeth about Sheldon and Emily, and we both agreed there was a major shortage of how-they-got-together fics. So here is my attempt. It's in a totally new style for me, but I think it's kind of fun. You be the judge!

This is set during "The Dating Game," in which Casey is convinced that she needs to find a boyfriend because everyone else has one. Kendra sets up this elaborate matchmaking ploy, hijinks ensue, and the episode ends with the introduction of one of the most reviled characters in the fandom. (I'll give you a hint – Truman makes him look like Boyfriend of the Year.) But it also gives us the introduction of…Shemily! :)

Thanks for the inspiration, Liz!

--Brandi

Disclaimer: If I owned Life with Derek, Sheldon would never have moved. And I don't own the Bard's words, either. Not even close.

**NOT YOUR AVERAGE EPIC ROMANCE **

Two households, both alike in eccentricity,

In fair London, Ontario, where we lay our scene,

From ancient popularity-seeking break to new mutiny,

Where civil cooties make civil hands unclean.

From forth the fatal loins of these Davises and Shleppers

A pair of star-cross'd lovers go to a party;

Whole misadventured piteous overthrows

Do with their relationship bury their quest for acceptance.

The fearful passage of their separation-mark'd love,

And the continuance of their romance,

Which, but the Shleppers' embarkation nought could remove,

Is now the thousand words' traffic of our oneshot;

The which if you with patient ears attend,

What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.

~*~

ACT I: THE APPROACH, THE DECLINE, AND THE ACCEPTANCE

MONDAY

"Good morning, Miss Davis. You look lovely. Would you be interested in accompanying me to dinner tonight?"

"No."

TUESDAY

"Emily, fair maiden, do me the honor—"

"No."

WEDNESDAY

"Hey Emily, you look really pretty today. Do you think—"

_Sigh._ "No."

THURSDAY

"Hey—"

"Sheldon, I'm _really_ not interested. I know the word 'subtle' is not in your vocabulary, but take the hint! Jeez."

FRIDAY

"Good morning, Emily. Excuse me; I need to get into my locker."

"Argh! Fine! I'll go out with you! One time!"

"I…erm…okay, sure. Smelly Nelly's at seven?"

"Whatever."

And so began the greatest love affair in Sir John Sparrow Thompson High School history.

(Second greatest, if you count those crazy stepsibs with all the eye-sex and inappropriate touching.)

~*~

"Just so you know, we can't tell _anyone_ we went out."

"Fine with me. I just have to tell—"

"_No one_, Sheldon. I haven't even told Casey. If this gets out, my reputation is ruined."

"Yes, dear."

"Don't call me dear."

"Yes, my little squirrel."

_Thwack._

"Ouch! Careful! Shleppers have weak shins!"

"I have a feeling I'm going to regret this."

~*~

"So, the second date! I think I have to start calling you my girlfriend any day now."

"What was that about your weak shins?"

"Sorry."

"Don't apologize, Sheldon. Why do you let people walk all over you?"

"I don't."

"…"

"I guess I do. Sometimes it's just easier than making waves. If you hadn't stolen the presidency right out from under me, I could be the most powerful student at Thompson right now."

"Now I get it."

"Get what?"

"Why you wanted to go out with me. You want to be the 'First Gentleman'. _Dating_ the president is the next best thing to being him. Or her, as the case may be."

"That might have been my motivation at first. But then I noticed how beautiful you are."

"That's right, lay it on real thick. I'm not gonna fall for it."

"I'm serious, Emily. You're beautiful. And nice, and smart, and you're a great president. What guy _wouldn't_ want to date you?"

"Thanks for that. I'm not as popular as you think I am, though."

"Sure you are. Everyone seems to like you. They only _tolerate_ me. And I'm okay with that. But you, you get people to listen to you. I have to hire cheerleaders just to get people to look up when I walk by."

"But you're nice, too, Sheldon. If you didn't act like such a dork all the time…"

"I _like_ who I am. Why should I have to change myself just to fit in? That's so superficial."

"I guess it is."

"Sorry."

"For what, Sheldon?"

"I shouldn't have been holding your hand. Like you said, no girlfriend-boyfriend stuff."

"I don't mind."

"You don't?"

"Nah. I kinda like it."

"What, the hand-holding, or the girlfriend-boyfriend stuff?"

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but…both."

"Ha! I knew you'd succumb to my charms eventually!"

"Need some ice? I think your head is swelling."

"What? Oh. See, you're _funny_, too!"

~*~

"So we can start telling people now, right?"

"No, Sheldon, not people. Just my family. And your family. No one at school yet."

"But it's our fifth date."

"Right. So after our _hundredth_ date, we can tell people at school."

"You want to go on a hundred dates with me?!"

"No, it was supposed to be a joke, or hyperbole, or something. I can't think straight when you're doing that."

"It's just your hair. My touching it in no way affects your brain function."

"As a matter of fact, it does."

"I'll stop."

"Don't."

"Okay. So where were we on the telling-people thing?"

_Sigh._ "I don't know, Sheldon."

~*~

ACT II: CASEY'S WHINING ABOUT SOMETHING – WHAT ELSE IS NEW?!

"Is there something wrong with us, Em?"

"Nothing's wrong with us, we rock!"

"Well if we rock, then why don't we have rocking plans this weekend?"

"Actually, I do have plans…Both nights."

"Really? What, do you have a secret boyfriend?"

_A new voice._ "Guess who!"

"It's Sheldon Shlepper…my new boyfriend."

"Very funny, Em."

"She's not joking."

"I didn't wanna tell you until it was official. But, you're the first to know!"

"Wow, that's…great? So w-why did this happen? I mean, I mean, how did this happen?"

"She finally came to her senses and realized what a great catch I am."

"_No_, I decided to give you a chance."

"Well, great decision. Later, ladies." _Suave exit._

"Okay, I know he's _Sheldon_, but once you get past the dorky stuff, he's really sweet!"

"No need to explain, Em. I get it."

"You get why I like him?"

"No, but I'll try. What I get is that I'm all alone in a couples' world."

"Sorry Case. Your guy will come along. Just give it time. You never know who's right around the corner. I never thought I could have so much fun with a Shlepper, but—"

"You're right. Thanks, Em. You're the best."

_Sigh._ "I know."

~*~

ACT III: DO THE SHELDON SHLEPPER AND TALK WITH YOUR HIPS

"Remember what we practiced. Say it in your head first, see how it sounds, and then say it out loud."

"My sweet Emily, trust me. I will be cool as a cucumber."

"See, _that_? Not part of what we practiced."

"Cucumbers _are _cool. That is a perfectly valid sentiment."

"Oh, Sheldon."

"Sorry."

"Look, I just really want this party to go well. It's our coming-out party, and I want Casey and Kendra to like you as much as I do."

"Technically, it's Casey's 'help me find a boyfriend' party, and I don't think you want them to like me _as much_ as you do. I have a feeling you don't handle jealousy all that well."

"I meant that I want my friends to see what a nice guy you are, dummy. And what do you mean, I can't handle jealousy?"

_Cough._"Derek."_Cough._

_Smack._

"Sorry, my little squir…Em."

"You _should_ be sorry. I _told_ you, I'm over Derek. I like _you_."

"Good, 'cause I like you, too."

"Good. Can we go inside now, please? I have to help Casey get dressed."

"Shouldn't a fifteen-year-old be able to do that by herself?"

"Oh, Sheldon."

~*~

_That _is _Sheldon out there dancing like a lunatic, right? My boyfriend, Sheldon? _

_And everyone knows it. Oh, this is so not good._

_Really, really not good…_

_Aw, he just did the most adorable little spin-thingy._

_I thought people were making fun of him, ("Raise the roof, Sheldon!") but I think maybe they really are rooting for him._

_Wow, I am being really shallow right now. Casey would not approve. Who cares what everyone else thinks? What matters is that _I_ think he's good dancer._

_Well, actually, I don't think he is. But he's having fun. He's smiling. It's so sweet._

_He's motioning me over. Oh, shoot, I think I have to go dance with him…_

~*~

_Hey, this isn't so bad. I can't believe I'm enjoying dancing like an idiot! _

_Eep! He's holding my hand! In front of everyone! _

_I'm not minding it as much as I thought I would. Hmm. _

_I think I can get used to this. _

_Even though Sheldon _is_ a Shlepper._

~*~

Go hence, to have more talk of these strange things,

Some shall be written as fanfic, and some edited into fanvid:

For never was a story of more awkward beginnings,

Than this of Emily and her Sheldon.


End file.
